Hound's Home: More Fun

How to Create the Greatest Homepage in the Universe -- by Chuckle Hound the monkey (circa 1999)

The Internet has been used by physicists, scholars, cartoonists, and those of similar ilk to share their heady thoughts with the world. Now it's your turn.

Note: Sign up with a lame service provider, then follow these simple steps.

PHASE ONE - naming your site: The title is the most important part of your homepage. Keep in mind that this is the only thing people will look at before they leap into your guestbook and crap out a mind-numbing phrase like "Gr8 page, visit mine sometime!"

The title should convey something about you. If you're an idiot, you probably want to name it something like: "THE SUPER DUPER RAD ULTRA COOL HOMEPAGE...... DUDE!!!!!!!" That's not a bad title, but if you're really interested in showing the world just how little you use "the scary wrinkly thing that lives inside your skull," try something similar to this: "THE SUPA DUPA RAAAAADDDD ULTRA KEWL HOMEPAGE..... DUUUDDEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111" Just remember -- incorrect spelling and the increased use of exclamation points is your ticket to idiocy. Also, be sure to extend words by adding unnecessary letters to them. In this example I added several "E's" to the word "Dude," which conjures up an image of the word "Doodee." And, of course, "Doodee = Funnee."

If you're not an idiot, then you're probably boring, uncreative, and ugly. This means you're leaning towards a title similar to: "Frank's Home Page" or "Sue's Little Place on the Web." If this is the case, I recommend spicing it up with something fake and/or phony, for example: "Frank's Funky Place in CyberSpace!" or "Sue's Swingin' Brothel!"

The third possibility is that you're a teenage girl. If this is the case, then you're required by U.S. law to create a name that makes no sense and literally drives people insane. For instance, you might name your site, "Bubble Spark" or "Flibbledydoink Spin Lube." And be sure to write it in the smallest font possible -- people love that.

PHASE TWO - creating a welcome page: The welcome page is the part of the website that makes people go: "This homepage is a pile of garbage, I wish the person who made it would burst into flames."

Start out by visiting several of the other god-awful homepages similar to yours. Right click all of the animated .gif images you find and save them to your hard drive. Once you've amassed a fairly large collection of animated pictures, begin plastering them all over your welcome page in a mad frenzy of delight and stupidity. As you're doing this, giggle and think to yourself: "There's a little cat running across the screen. Me, oh my! The things they do with computers these days!" The finishing touch is to find a 3-D spinning .gif image of the word "Welcome." If you're really lucky, you'll come across one that also includes the phrase "Open 24 Hours," which is pretty funny 'cuz, like, the Internet is open 24 hours a day, right?! I mean, why would they close it?! Hee-Yuk!

Here's a sample of what your welcome page should look like:

This is pretty close to the finished product, except that you obviously need to include approximately 2500 more animated .gif images than I have displayed here.

PHASE THREE - adding text and links: Your homepage needs more than just a drab title and several thousand pretty pictures -- namely, it needs stupid rambling chatter and links to sites that are actually good.

Start out by linking the various parts of your site together. If you're an idiot, you should make the description so incoherent that it causes anyone who sees it to stab at their eyes in a desperate attempt to escape the horror you have created. It should look something like this:

Hi my name is <Michael lthough myfriends call me mike don't askmewhy anyway if you9sd ;lieke to learn about meclick here.If you'd liek to see my faverite searchengine than you should go here itsreally cool i lLove it yahoo.com. Also I leike to sgivve shout outs to all my budsI love yuguyys okay heregoes : Tim,Lucy, fred,mike,Linze, Spike, sue, Lin, Mike, Tim,Fred,Jim, Ted,Tim,Lisa,Luis,Mike, Michel,Mia, Marvin, TEd,BobMsCtMasdfsdfsdsjsijg,tIloveyoufutgutys

Notice how Michael included a link to a website so obvious that you'd have to be some sort of aquatic sea-creature not to have heard of it. Not only that, but you'd have to be a really stupid one, like a sponge or a piece of seaweed. Because most dolphins and whales have heard of yahoo.com.

If the above example does not suit you, odds are that you're dull, unoriginal, and ugly. This means you probably want to group your homepage together in a fashion similar to this:

About the creator! That's me!

Pictures of my old hag wife and whiny brat kids!

Links to websites about my hobbies! Model planes and model trains!

Links to websites about other things I like! Astronomy, Star Trek, and Star Wars!

An explanation of why I haven't killed myself.. yet!

Again, this needs to be spiced up considerably. Your best best is to delete this crap and replace it with pornography. You like Seven of Nine, right?

As stated earlier, if the above two do not apply to you, then you're probably a teenage girl. If this is true, then your homepage is required by U.S. law to contain a bunch of teeny-tiny little links that are so unbelievably confusing anyone who tries to understand them will lapse into a deadly seizure. If you do not comply the government will execute you for treason. Here's an example:

Bubble Spark

the wind blows at my back as I run

in the rain. Clowns whistle

but no one calls. Sometimes the hunger grows

like a fox, other times it dies like an owl. One

must keep her close, else the angel

in the jungle

shall perish like a leaf.

Every link should lead to a place that has no connection to the word itself. For instance, in this example the word "back" is a link to a page listing Dawson's Creek websites, and the word "must" is a link to a picture of a cat named "Mittens." The bizarre nothingness of your homepage will boggle and inflame the minds of your visitors, until eventually they fly into a violent rage not unlike that of a wild boar. Once this occurs, an environmental group must sedate the lunatic and release him into a national game preserve. Then it's off to the taxidermist!

If this homepage style is not to your liking, there is a second option available, as seen here:

you

things

cliques

quiz

friends

school

guyz

jokes

dolls

pets

movies

mall

clothes

puppies

guestbook

--Flibbledydoink Spin Lube

If neither of these styles appeals to you, bide your time until you turn 20 years old, then pick either the "idiot" or the "ugly" option.

PHASE FOUR - fun stuff: Stuff that would make your homepage fun if it didn't suck so much.

Be sure to include a link with text that says, "don't click here!" Then when someone clicks it (as we all know they will) have a super special hilariously funny page come up that looks a little something like this:

I TOOOOLLLDDDD you not to click it!!!!! Now I must give you a spanking >=) hah ha

This is an okay thing to put on your site, but let's face it: the only real way anything humorous is going to find its way onto your homepage is if someone else wrote the humor themselves, then you copied it. A "jokes" section will suit this purpose quite nicely.

The easiest way to accomplish this task is to simply cut and paste the oh-so-clever forwards your friends fling your way onto your jokes page. It will probably look something like this:

Five Ways to Have Fun in a Public Bathroom

1. Pee in a toilet

2. Poop in a toilet

3. Pee on the floor

4. Poop on the floor

5. Strip naked and wander around the room until you get arrested and sent to jail

PHASE FIVE - advertising your site: Your site is relevant only to you and, maybe, your incredibly small circle of friends. Thus, you must force the entire world to see it.

There exists but one sure-fire way to make losers go see your homepage: the guestbook. If you scribble some mindless blather into a person's guestbook, the person whose guestbook you signed is bound under some mysterious code of ethics to return the "favor" by filling your guestbook with stupid crap, too. NOTE: You should never, under any circumstances look at anything on anyone's webpage! Your goal here is to cram a link to your homepage into as many guestbooks as possible -- it doesn't matter if you fill the comments section with complete gibberish, just so long as it contains a couple of bland compliments that are obviously fake. Here are some top-notch examples:

"Great Page, Keep up the Gr8 work!"

"Cool Page, Keep up the Good work!"

"Gr8 Page, Keep up the Good work!"

"Good Page, Keep up the Cool work!"

These are all well and good, but what follows is the all-time best generic comment you can deposit in any guestbook. Use it wisely:

"Hey you, your page is just incredible, I just looooooove what you've done with it! The background is really cool, it blends very well with your text (excellent choice!). Geez, I just can't get over all the terrific stuff you've put on this site, it really just made my day. I mean it, this webpage TOTALLY ROCKS! Keep up the great work! Hey, maybe if you get a moment you could stop by my place and be sure to sign the guestbook, it would really mean a lot to me. Thanks bud, and keep on rockin'! :)"

Once people see your message, they'll venture over to your homepage and do the exact same thing you just did to them: skip straight to the guestbook and plop down something extremely frustrating like: "You signed my guestbook.. so I'm returning the favor.. your page is great bye!"

If you actually want people to look at the content on your page, you must threaten them with some sort of firearm until they submit to your will and grudgingly plod through your boring creation. If you don't like firearms, you might be able to pull it off using a knife or some sort of pointy stick.

PHASE SIX - the finalé: Once you realize your homepage is meaningless, you have two options:

1. Delete the whole thing in bitter disgust and go back to your magical life of petty relationships and watching shows on the tv.

2. Improve it. Instead of following the clueless masses, create something clever and different that people will actually enjoy. I'm sure that most of you who took the initiative to read this are already remarkably free-thinking (esp. compared to your many peers), and it is certainly within your power to create such an accomplishment. And if you have already done this, keep it up! Cheers!

--Chuckle Hound the monkey